Furious 7

Review by Bob Ignizio

What can one say about FURIOUS 7? There's gallons of testosterone, plenty of talk about family, cool cars driving fast, hot babes in minimal clothing used as set decoration, bad ass ladies who are anything but mere set decoration (Michelle Rodriguez and Ronda Rousey) duking it out, ridiculous stunts actually being performed by real human beings in real danger instead of using CGI to fake it, Duane Johnson and Vin Diesel dropping one liners and bad guys with equal aplomb, and finally, a genuinely heartfelt and beautifully handled send-off for series star Paul Walker, who tragically died before the film was finished. It's big and loud and lots of fun. Looking for subtlety or subtext? Wrong movie, pal.

Machete Kills (now on home video)

*Note: to the best of our knowledge, MACHETE KILLS was not screened for critics. Normally Bob, an unrepentant fan of trash cinema, would have gone to see it on opening weekend anyway, but for whatever reason that didn't happen, either. Now that the movie is out on home video, however, there's no excuse for not giving it a look and a review.]

Review by Bob Ignizio

Danny Trejo returns as the titular former Mexican Federale turned mercenary with a conscience in MACHETE KILLS. And indeed, the film lives up to its name as Trejo leaves a trail of bodies in his wake. The plot driving the carnage is that Machete has been charged by the United States President (Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen) to take out Mexican bad guy Marcos Mendez ((Demián Bichir). The problem is, Machete can't just kill the schizophrenic villain as his heart is wired to the detonator for a nuclear missile. If he dies, the bomb flies. It also soon becomes apparent that Mendez isn't the real evil mastermind; that would be Luther Voz (Mel Gibson), a corrupt businessman and inventor who apparently has enough money to play MOONRAKER for real.

Turbo

Review by Pete Roche

How fast can escargot?

The swiftest garden snail can cover 27 inches an hour, under optimal conditions.  The supercharged slug in Dreamworks’ new TURBO clocks in at over 220 miles per hour—fast enough to qualify for the Indianapolis 500.

The cartoon sports comedy from the makers of MADAGASCAR, KUNG FU PANDA, and SHREK chronicles the adventures of Theo / Turbo (Ryan Reynolds), a misfit mollusk who toils with his brood in a suburban tomato patch but dreams of life in the fast lane—literally.  He watches NASCAR footage on TV in a nearby human garage and idolizes smarmy Guy Gagne (Bill Hader), a French-Canadian driver who insists “no dream is too big” on the old videotape interviews. 

Resident Evil: Retribution

Review by Bob Ignizio

Filmmaker Paul W.S. Anderson makes crap, but he makes fun, unpretentious crap that delivers exactly what his audiences want. Maybe you weren't begging for a fifth installment of Anderson's RESIDENT EVIL zombie action film series, but make no mistake, there are plenty of folks who were. Me, I could take it or leave it, but RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION is an enjoyable enough hunk of cheese that I didn't regret my decision to watch it.

There's some attempt at the beginning of the film to get audiences up to speed on what happened in the previous four installments, but logic and coherency have never really been the strong points of this franchise. These movies are all about Milla Jovovich as Alice shooting lots of creepy things while looking sexy, and that's pretty much what we have here once again.