Furious 7

Review by Bob Ignizio

What can one say about FURIOUS 7? There's gallons of testosterone, plenty of talk about family, cool cars driving fast, hot babes in minimal clothing used as set decoration, bad ass ladies who are anything but mere set decoration (Michelle Rodriguez and Ronda Rousey) duking it out, ridiculous stunts actually being performed by real human beings in real danger instead of using CGI to fake it, Duane Johnson and Vin Diesel dropping one liners and bad guys with equal aplomb, and finally, a genuinely heartfelt and beautifully handled send-off for series star Paul Walker, who tragically died before the film was finished. It's big and loud and lots of fun. Looking for subtlety or subtext? Wrong movie, pal.

Dope Island: The Fiend's obligatory Paul Walker memorial column

By Charles Cassady, Jr.

This certainly isn't the future I had been anticipating back around the turn of the century. Back then I had a handful of paying publishers, both in and out of town, keeping me afloat and dashing from premiere to premiere. And if you had ask what I thought I'd be doing in the year 2013, I probably would have imagined something such as this: like most successful people of the Future, I would travel around in a giant "mecha" robot suit with a flying jet-backpack.

Maybe at one point on my way to the thriving Cleveland Free Times to pick up a paycheck, I might see, oh, let's say Pete Roche, for example, scurrying beneath me on the pavement on Euclid Avenue. And playfully crush him.

When I got to the Free Times I would meet my editor Pam Zoslov, who would upbraid me. "Charles, you just can't crush people like that." I would respond, "Listen, dollface, that Roche guy - he was just an UNPAID BLOGGER. I do not hold with those fanatics who claim such creatures have feelings and souls like human beings. Now get yourself cleaned up and ready for the movie preview tonight. And if you're bringing your husband LeBron, tell him to take a shower first this time. Bad enough I have to show him all those fancy moves he uses at basketball practice. He could at least change into a clean suit of clothing."