Furious 7

Review by Bob Ignizio

What can one say about FURIOUS 7? There's gallons of testosterone, plenty of talk about family, cool cars driving fast, hot babes in minimal clothing used as set decoration, bad ass ladies who are anything but mere set decoration (Michelle Rodriguez and Ronda Rousey) duking it out, ridiculous stunts actually being performed by real human beings in real danger instead of using CGI to fake it, Duane Johnson and Vin Diesel dropping one liners and bad guys with equal aplomb, and finally, a genuinely heartfelt and beautifully handled send-off for series star Paul Walker, who tragically died before the film was finished. It's big and loud and lots of fun. Looking for subtlety or subtext? Wrong movie, pal.

Dope Island: The Fiend's obligatory Paul Walker memorial column

By Charles Cassady, Jr.

This certainly isn't the future I had been anticipating back around the turn of the century. Back then I had a handful of paying publishers, both in and out of town, keeping me afloat and dashing from premiere to premiere. And if you had ask what I thought I'd be doing in the year 2013, I probably would have imagined something such as this: like most successful people of the Future, I would travel around in a giant "mecha" robot suit with a flying jet-backpack.

Maybe at one point on my way to the thriving Cleveland Free Times to pick up a paycheck, I might see, oh, let's say Pete Roche, for example, scurrying beneath me on the pavement on Euclid Avenue. And playfully crush him.

When I got to the Free Times I would meet my editor Pam Zoslov, who would upbraid me. "Charles, you just can't crush people like that." I would respond, "Listen, dollface, that Roche guy - he was just an UNPAID BLOGGER. I do not hold with those fanatics who claim such creatures have feelings and souls like human beings. Now get yourself cleaned up and ready for the movie preview tonight. And if you're bringing your husband LeBron, tell him to take a shower first this time. Bad enough I have to show him all those fancy moves he uses at basketball practice. He could at least change into a clean suit of clothing."

Fast & Furious 6

Review by Bob Ignizio

At this point, the cast, budget, and level of spectacle in this series have all grown so much that FAST & FURIOUS 6 resembles a cross between Steven Soderbergh's OCEANS series and the James Bond franchise at its most excessive more than it does the modest little action film about car thieves and an undercover cop trying to bring them down that kicked things off back in 2001. But you know what? That's ok. This is one blockbuster franchise where “bigger and better” aren't necessarily dirty words.

Picking up where FAST FIVE left off, former cop turned outlaw Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker) and his one-time adversary turned best friend/brother-in-law Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) have left behind their criminal lifestyle to settle down and enjoy their ill-gotten gains. Brian's wife/Dom's sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) has just given birth to a baby boy, so obviously these guys can't be off risking their lives trying to pull another job, right? Right.

Fast Five

Review by Pete Roche

Okay, here’s a rundown of the FAST AND FURIOUS franchise for those who’ve either lost track or (like this writer) never paid much attention to the muscle car movies in the first place.

The first, fourth, and now fifth FAST movies follow ex-con mechanic Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his hot-rodding hoodlums—including his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) and FBI agent-turned-fugitive Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker)—on various high-speed heists.  In this latest installment, they’re pursued by a Diplomatic Security Service heavyweight played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson—who recently starred in FASTER, which has no connection with this series.  The second movie centers on O’Connor and new partner Rome (Tyrese) as they go undercover in So Cal for the FBI.  The third chapter—TOKYO DRIFT—features entirely new leads and follows the other four pictures in chronology.  So if you’re playing catch-up before seeing FAST FIVE, feel free to skip that one. 

Confused? 

Don’t sweat it.  Just fasten your seat belt and join Dom, Mia, and Brian as they venture to Rio de Janiero to deprive a wealthy con-artist of a vault containing millions of dollars.  They plan to use the laundered loot to nest-egg their new lives—but none of them will survive the swindle if their resourceful target, Reyes, has anything to say about it.  Engines roar, rubber burns, and tempers flare after Dom’s gang interferes with a shipment of DEA-seized sports cars—one of which conceals a microchip incriminating the Brazilian villain. 

Be ready for serious gear-shifting in sleek, adrenaline-charged autos driven by burly men whose names are synonymous with gasoline and granite.  Diesel and “Rock” engage in all-out fisticuffs as Walker, Brewster, and friends spike speedometers in the name of juiced-up justice.  The circumference of Johnson’s well-oiled biceps is probably greater than the waistline of his petite partner (Elsa Pataky); the former footballer’s swollen arms won’t even rest at his sides. 

“Whatever it takes,” Johnson says of nabbing his quarry.  “Not a phone call more, not a bullet less.” 

Rapper-actors Ludacris and Tyrese return to swap insults and crack safes.  Puerto Rican singers Tego Calderon and Don Omar make for another amusing odd couple, bombing bathrooms and criticizing each other’s cooking.  Joaquim de Almeida (DESPERADO, MASK OF ZORRO) is sensational as suave but sadistic Reyes.

Returning director Justice Lin built this vehicle for fun, not philosophy (despite Walker’s daddy issues). So it’s a somewhat vacuous affair—but has multi-viscosity spirit.  It’s essentially a caper film, a la OCEANS ELEVEN, sandwiched between over-the-top stunt sequences and gunfights.  The prison bus breakout and train chase early on are breathless, cleverly-staged bits—but the climactic getaway through Rio’s busy streets sets a new standard in motor vehicle mayhem.  More cars couldn’t have been wrecked had a comet plunged into a downtown parking garage.  Lin apparently had no qualms lubing another 120 minutes of celluloid for high-horsepower racing action and extensive property damage. FIVE is this summer’s pink slip for loud, piston-pounding excitement (sans superheroes).  3 out of 4 stars