Machete Kills (now on home video)

*Note: to the best of our knowledge, MACHETE KILLS was not screened for critics. Normally Bob, an unrepentant fan of trash cinema, would have gone to see it on opening weekend anyway, but for whatever reason that didn't happen, either. Now that the movie is out on home video, however, there's no excuse for not giving it a look and a review.]

Review by Bob Ignizio

Danny Trejo returns as the titular former Mexican Federale turned mercenary with a conscience in MACHETE KILLS. And indeed, the film lives up to its name as Trejo leaves a trail of bodies in his wake. The plot driving the carnage is that Machete has been charged by the United States President (Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen) to take out Mexican bad guy Marcos Mendez ((Demián Bichir). The problem is, Machete can't just kill the schizophrenic villain as his heart is wired to the detonator for a nuclear missile. If he dies, the bomb flies. It also soon becomes apparent that Mendez isn't the real evil mastermind; that would be Luther Voz (Mel Gibson), a corrupt businessman and inventor who apparently has enough money to play MOONRAKER for real.

North Coast Movie News April 3rd 2011

Reporting by Charles Cassady Jr.

 
Charlie Sheen returns to Cleveland

Elsewhere on this blog - here in fact:  - Charles Cassady Jr. predicted that if volatile actor Charlie Sheen would just go on a stage-monologue tour, just like the late, neurotic Spalding Gray, Sheen's stock would go way up; nobody says Eric Bogosian is crazy, right? Well call me Cassandra, because Sheen, who played a rogue Cleveland Indians baseball star nicknamed Wild Thing in some MAJOR LEAGUE movies, is indeed on tour, telling his tale of his recent life in and out of the tabloids, his high-profile quitting the blockbuster sitcom Two and a Half Men (come on, if it had lasted any longer with that aging child actor it would've been Two and Seven-Eighths Men). Cutting-edge or proof that all actors are insane? Make the call, as Sheen brings his lectures, rants and attempts at humor to the State Theatre in Cleveland's PlayhouseSquare, on Tuesday night, April 5. Sheen's "My Violent Torpedo of Truth" one-man show takes place at 8 p.m. Tickets range from $49.50 to $79.50, with a dollar from each ticket sold donated to Japan - it's well to remember that Sheen's MAJOR LEAGUE character was so Godzilla-huge over there that the movie franchise is actually known as "Wild Thing." The theater is at 1501 Euclid Ave., Cleveland. For more information, call 216-771-8403, 800-546-1353, or visit www.playhousesquare.org. Come to think of it, Eric Bogosian does seem kind of crazy.

CARS come to life

Parental discretion is said to be strongly advised in the case of Charlie Sheen live - he's brought along a porn star or two. Such is presumably not the case on Monday, April 4, at Great Northern Mall in North Olmsted, when the Disney-Pixar CARS 2 tour motors through. There will be "live-sized" (you mean, like gigabytes?) remote-controlled models of the vehicles from the CARS franchise, including Owen Wilson-voiced hero Lightning McQueen, accompanied by photo opportunities and promotional giveaways. Yeah, yeah, it's a big commercial, but Pixar's stellar lineup of CGI features have so far been worth it. When Pixar decides it's their turn to try and make a functional Incredible Hulk movie, then the shark's tale will have been jumped. CARS 2 opens June 24. Hours of this thing are noon to 7 p.m.