Animals (now on video)

Review by Charles Cassady, Jr.

The prospect of a pro-marijuana vote on Issue 3 prompts me to weigh the pros and cons. The pro side? With marijuana legalized in Ohio, very likely every single person at the age of which one learns to walk and talk will be permanently stoned. Except for myself, of course; I never cultivated the drink-and-drugs-and-following-Ohio-State-football pathologies so pandemic around here. I must have been left on the doorstep of this place as an infant by another state.

Thus, with every Ohio citizen but me wasted out of their minds on reefer, I will really stand out as a job candidate in the hiring process. Maybe I could even get a living wage and benefits, as, being sober, I’ll actually be able to sign my name to an application form - immediately putting me ahead of 99 per cent of the competition with the workforce. 

Thus, for me, a good argument in favor of Issue 3. Legalize it, by Jah!

Cartel Land (opens in Cleveland August 7th at the Cedar Lee Theatre)

[CARTEL LAND opens in Cleveland on Friday August 7th exclusively at the Cedar Lee Theatre.]

Review by Bob Ignizio

When politicians talk about the U.S. and Mexico, it’s usually in the context of immigration. But there’s another major issue facing these neighboring countries: illegal drugs, and the violence that all too often goes hand-in-hand with them. The new documentary CARTEL LAND explores this topic by focusing on two vigilante groups, one on each side of the border, trying to combat the cartels who are largely responsible for the drug trade.

On the United States side, Tim "Nailer" Foley leads a group called the Arizona Border Recon. Although they are still to some degree concerned with stopping illegal immigration, Foley now sees drug trafficking as the major problem, and in his opinion the government authorities are doing little if anything to stop it. And so he works with whoever he can get to help him, even if sometimes their ideologies are more extreme than his. Foley comes across as sincere and well meaning, but there’s always the danger with vigilante groups, however well intentioned, going too far.

Escobar: Paradise Lost

Review by Bob Ignizio

Despite having his name in the title, infamous Columbian drug lord Pablo Escobar is not the main character in ESCOBAR: PARADISE LOST. That honor belongs to naïve Canadian surfer dude Nick Brady (Josh Hutcherson). We first meet Nick in 1991 as Escobar (Benecio del Toro) is about to turn himself over to the authorities. We don’t yet know how this clearly in over his head gringo became a part of Escobar’s organization; we only know that he is being asked to help Escobar hide his income before his sentence begins, and that doing so will require Nick to commit murder. Cue the flashback.

Heli (September 18th and 19th at the Cleveland Cinematheque)

[HELI screens Thursday September 18th at 8:15 pm and Friday September 19th at 9:20 pm at the Cleveland Cinematheque.]

Review by Bob Ignizio

Heli is the kind of guy who works hard, plays by the rules, and tries to do what's right for his family. Lot of good it does him. When Heli learns that his little sister Estela is dating an older police cadet named Beto, he's less than thrilled. Even moreso when he finds out that Beto has stolen cocaine from the police impound and hidden it in his water tank. So he takes the drugs and disposes of them. Sure, Beto will be upset, but that will be the end of it, right? Right. Heli forgot to take into account the people Beto stole the drugs from, and they are not only dealers but on the police force, as well.

Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (now on video)

Review by Charles Cassady, Jr.

On this fateful anniversary I think I've solved the JFK assassination. A very young George Zimmerman was in the book depository, drunk and surly, complaining about his girlfriend troubles with his hunting buddy Lee Harvey Oswald. Zimmerman started waving his loaded rifle around, and Oswald said, "You better put that thing away before it goes off and someone gets hurt." Offended at this affront to his Second Amendment rights, Zimmerman struggles violently with Oswald over the weapon just the presidential motorcade passes by, and, well, the rest is history.

Okay, what's that got to do with the direct-to-DVD horror sort-of-comedy HANSEL & GRETEL GET BAKED? Well, prominently billed actress Lara Flynn Boyle once appeared as a Kennedy woman in a TV biopic. Or maybe she didn't... Sure, I can confirm this easily via any decent online search of her filmography, but I may find out I am incorrect, which would make my first paragraph even more irrelevant and bring shame upon my dojo.

Cheech & Chong's Animated Movie (now on video)

[CHEECH & CHONG'S ANIMATED MOVIE is now available on home video.]

Review by Charles Cassady, Jr.

I remember growing up in greater Cleveland in the late 1970s - no, honest, I really do remember! The rest of you have no recollection of the Kucinich years because you were all stoned, drunk or wasted (trust me on this, and radio talk-show host Mike Trivisanno confirms it).

But I never was. See, somehow I got the ridiculous idea that if I stayed sober and shied away from controlled substances, no matter how much fun the media made it look, I would have an edge in the job market over the overwhelming hordes of burnouts and junkies. So I abstained. No reefer, no coke, no heroin, no airplane glue, no formaldehyde-laced joints soaked in liquid mercury injected intravenously. No, no fun at all. Four decades later I'm still looking for work. It seems this region belongs to the Cheech'n'Chong demographic after all.

We're the Millers

Review by Bob Ignizio

Mediocrity, thy name is WE'RE THE MILLERS. Ah hell, why single this movie out? I could have used that opener on any number of movies I've seen this summer and it would apply as well. Just trying to entertain myself (and hopefully some of you) as I sit down to write about yet another film that failed to move me in any way. WE'RE THE MILLERS is neither good enough to get me excited, nor bad enough to make me mad. Feel free to use that as a blurb, Warner Bros.


The film's protagonist is David Clark (Jason Sudekis), who must be the nicest drug dealer in the world. Seriously, if getting a dime bag of pot were as easy and pleasant in real life as it looks here, there would be a lot more stoners in the world. It's this nice streak that gets David in trouble when he tries to help his dorky neighbor Kenny (Will Poulter) protect homeless girl Casey (Emma Roberts) from a bunch of thugs. It winds up backfiring, and the thugs rob David of his stash and his cash. In order for David to get back in the good graces of his former classmate turned kingpin Brad Gurdlinger (Ed Helms), he agrees to smuggle a “smidge” of marijuana from Mexico into the U.S.

Snitch

Review by Bob Ignizio

The unfairness of our nation's federal mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines for drug crimes is illustrated through motor vehicle chases and gunfights in SNITCH, a new film starring Dwayne (we're not supposed to still be calling him “The Rock”) Johnson. Sure, one could argue that this topic deserves a more high minded vehicle, but since none appears to be forthcoming I say kudos to director/co-writer Ric Roman Waugh, co-writer Justin Haythe, and the producers (including Mr. Johnson himself) for making this film. SNITCH may essentially be a mid-seventies drive-in movie with slightly bigger stars and production values, but like many of those films it has the ability to reach a different, and possibly wider audience than a more serious film by putting entertainment first and letting the social commentary take a backseat to the action.